The human colonoscopy, and his friends

Hindsight, hindsight, hindsight….look at the  Daily Mail from 3 long years ago:

. the leader writer..
...even Oborne got infected..

But cometh the hour, cometh the man!

Richard Littlejohn may not be to everyone’s taste, but he does have  amazing powers of prophecy. The Knife vividly recalls enjoying the following, in the midst of a very painful (for me) Gordon love bombing by the rest of the media. It really does repay scrutiny, given all that has followed:

Admit it Gordon, you are not up to the job

Last updated at 01:05 06 July 2007

As I said a couple of days before Gordon got the job, this column doesn’t do honeymoon periods.

But, wary of getting submerged in the glow of post-coital adulation, I thought I’d give it a week before putting the boot in.

The usual bunch of crawlers are doing their best to flatter him, but the simple fact of the matter is that when it comes to being Prime Minister, Gordon just doesn’t cut the Colman’s.

He’s certainly not what Napoleon would have called a lucky general. Since he took over last Wednesday, he’s had dead soldiers in Iraq, Muslim maniacs on the rampage in London and Glasgow and a rise in interest rates, as a basis for negotiation.

So why on earth has the elevation of Gordon Brown been hailed as if it were the second coming of JFK?

Quentin Letts has already remarked on the BBC constantly referring to the ‘new government’. This isn’t a ‘new’ government – it’s a collection of has-beens, placemen and people who weren’t good enough to be in the last Cabinet.

You’d be hard-pushed to find such a weird array of incompetents, dullards and social inadequates this side of the flight deck of the Starship Enterprise. The Miliband brothers even look like Vulcans.

Hilariously, we’re asked to believe that Gordon has assembled a government of ‘all the talents’. If this is as good as it gets, God help us.

Praise has been heaped on the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, largely because she seems to have avoided making a complete fool of herself. Most constructive comment has centred on whether she was showing too much cleavage at the dispatch box.

Do you imagine that Osama Bin Laden is sitting in his bunker quaking in his flip-flops? ‘We’d better surrender, guys, they’ve just called in that bird who used to be a schoolteacher in Redditch.’

This is a Cabinet of Gordon’s Gofers. There’s not a man nor woman sitting round that table who would dare to stand up to him.

Miliband got the Foreign Office as a reward for sparing Gordon the inconvenience of a leadership election. He’s hardly going to turn round and insist on a referendum on the European constitution.

Does anyone seriously believe that Alistair Darling will so much as cough at the Treasury without asking permission from his boss next door?

Jack in action

Then there’s the three-time loser Jack Straw, the human colonoscopy, whose only ability is to insert himself so far up the backside of whoever happens to be in charge that it would take an industrial-strength laxative to dislodge him.

We’ve heard a lot of guff about constitutional reform, except where it matters. The West Lothian question won’t be addressed, for the simple reason that Gordon needs those Scottish votes to subjugate the English.

The defining characteristics of the Brown administration are fear and cowardice. He went out of his way to avoid a leadership challenge. He won’t call a snap general election because he’s frightened he might lose.

He won’t hold a vote on the Euro treaty, despite Labour’s manifesto promise, because he knows he’d lose.

The real reason he’s devolving some powers to Parliament is that it means he won’t have to take the blame when things go belly-up.

When the going gets tough, Gordon gets going – in the opposite direction. Now he’s Prime Minister, there’s nowhere to run. But it won’t stop him trying to hide.

He’s been congratulated on his measured response to the bungled terrorism attacks. Vigilance is the new Prudence. Admittedly, his mumbled remarks were in stark contrast to Blair’s mawkish play-acting. Maybe, though, he didn’t say much because he didn’t know what to say.

After all, he was one of the two most powerful men in the ‘old’ government which got us into the mess in the first place.

Or was that a different Gordon Brown?

The cash-for-honours scandal still looms large, too. So far, Brown has managed to steer well clear, but I have always refused to accept he had no idea what was going on.

He was in charge of the general election campaign. On day one, Labour’s fighting fund was £500,000 in the red. By the end, Gordon had spent £18 million. Did he really never ask where the money came from?

Some people are so glad to see the back of Blair that they’re prepared to forgive Gordon anything for the time being.

That won’t last. The novelty will wear off soon enough.

Now Gordon’s finally got the job he’s coveted all his life, he’s running scared. He looks uncomfortable and has the air of a man about to get his collar felt.

It was much easier being the boy sitting at the back of the class, cheating at maths and making himself scarce when his classmates were caught smoking behind the bike sheds. It wasn’t me, sir. I wasn’t there.

Gordon knows in his heart that he hasn’t got a mandate from the British people. I suspect, too, that now he’s finally achieved his ambition of becoming Prime Minister, he’s acutely aware that he isn’t really up to the job.

If ever there was a classic case of ‘be careful what you wish for’, this is it. You can smell his fear.

And Jack Straw as the Human Colonoscopy…perfect hero

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